Thursday, May 4, 2017

Maybe I am the only one who struggles with no feeling good enough... maybe not.  Maybe I am the only one who struggles with wondering if God truly wants me to share my struggles with people because, honestly, I fear what others might think. Some days, like when I feel led to write on this blog, I envision someone(maybe Peter) standing on the side of a boat dipping his toe into the water terrified to jump in... "what if I didn't hear Jesus right, what if I fail and the others laugh at me, what if they think I am stupid for even trying, what if they are telling me to my face that it's a good idea but think differently in their heads". A person terrified of the what ifs that are past the point of what they can see. A person comfortable inside the boat.  I see a woman scared to leave her husband because even though the marriage is not a great situation, it is comfortable. I see someone afraid to pray with someone a church because they are afraid that the words won't come. I see someone terrified of taking the first step toward a God given dream. I am a failure, I am unqualified, I am too young/old, I don't know all the scriptures, I am not enough... how many times do we tell ourselves these things every day?  How many times do we believe these things about ourselves? How many times do we allow words in our heads to determine our destiny? There are many things that has happened in my life, that I have allowed the past to determine how I feel about myself. There has been abuse, horrific words spoken over my life by people who loved me, broken trust/promises... the voices and words that resound in my head day after day have kept me in bondage for years. God has spoken a calling over my life that, until recently, I could not grasp because I believed all those voices of my past over the voices of my creator.  The enemy comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, is written in the bible (first part of John 10:10) therefore I know the enemy will continue to use those voices from my past to knock me off my path.  He will continue to try to remind me I'll never be good enough to accomplish what God has called me to do. But when those voices come loud and try to knock me down... I can remember that Jesus came to give me life and have it to the fullest(last part of John 10:10). I can also remember what Jesus came to this earth to do.  He died on the cross and endured such horrific things, for me, because He loves me and I AM ENOUGH!!! 
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me BECAUSE HE DELIGHTED IN ME.  Psalm 18:16-19
Those thoughts of myself that I have, those voices from my past, those are of my enemies who continually told me I was not good enough. No matter how many times I tried to fight them, I could not win. It wasn't until I starting listening and really hearing what God says about his love for me that I could fight against those words. I was able to start inserting God's word into the blanks of my words. I do not want anyone reading this to think this is easy or has been an easy journey. I have so many walls built up in my life to keep new hurts from coming, but I have learned no matter how big the wall is, the hurts can still come in one form or another. God has sent people into my life to speak his word to me in ways I can tangibly feel it. And I do know I am not good enough to accomplish anything God has called me to accomplish, without His guidance, wisdom, knowledge, and abilities.  
I say/write all this to say, I am an example of what God can do in a life. It has been a hard journey and continues to have its unpleasant days, Mother's day is coming up and for me it is always a hard day. Not to go into much detail at this time, but Mother's day always reminds me of words that were spoken over my life that hurt more than any others. This is a day when I lean into God to remind me of his words over me versus those of someone else. Please know that there is hope. It can be found in God's words and by TRULY embracing those words and accepting God's loving arms. 

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